I’ve made an early New Year’s Resolution.
For about ten years I’ve been too ashamed to admit and talk about (except to my most dearest friends) how my now thankfully EX-stepdad physically abused and punished me when I was a teenager in high school – and the absolutely, utterly humiliating way in which he did so.
I was regularly spanked on MY BARE BOTTOM – after being fully undressed and no matter who was present. That included my brothers, extended family, family friends , neighbors and even a number of young boys whom I regularly babysat.
I was extremely embarrassed and utterly ashamed when people found out or, worse, saw how my stepdad disciplined me, even knowing that some may likely view him in a bad light.
I sure didn’t want the kids at my high school to know, most especially the boys, as for years I wouldn’t take any crap from them. I was afraid if they knew how my stepdad punished me, they would not only laugh, taunt and tease me about it, but my bravado in face of their harassing, unwanted touches would melt away and leave me totally helpless against them. I could easily imagine ended up over boys’ laps with my skirt up and panties pulled down and spanked
It was bad enough dealing with their typical sexual harassment than to have a picture in their heads of what my stepdad did to me.
So after my parents divorced in 2003, I tried to pretend that it never happened – the embarrassment, the humiliation, the shame I felt.
I also realize the abuse I suffered at the hands of my stepdad has had a more profound impact on my life than I’d care to admit, especially with regards to my relationships with men. It could have been worse. I could have allowed myself to become a punching bag. Instead, it has led me to distrust many of them and seeded a deep hatred for men who physically abuse their wives, girlfriends and kids.
During and after the divorce, I also had to come to terms with the guilt I felt – even to the point of wishing that I had been punished more often simply for the sake of my younger brother, who was picked on horribly by our stepdad and far worse than me. He got it far worse and more often than I did.
Nevertheless, I continued to feel the stigma of shame when even thinking about the manner in which my stepdad punished me and of my punishment being witnessed by all those who were present at various times. I am ashamed to know many of those who saw me disciplined have an image of a bratty, misbehaving teenage girl with her panties off and her legs kicking apart and about getting what they in their view they may very well think I richly deserved.
But the Experience Project has helped me realize that I shouldn’t be the only one ashamed. That asshole ex-stepdad of mine should also be ashamed for punishing and
humiliating his teenage stepdaughter like that!
I’m not sure how to write about it all, maybe on this blog or in the confessions section. But I will no longer hide from my shame and instead put it out there for all to see.
I originally published this on my blog at the Experience Project, December 22, 2010.